Figuring it out as I go… parenting a special needs child

Ceiling fans at Home Depot. Zimmi's version of going to Disney World.

I’m not a writer and I’m not an expert. I’m a mom of a three year old boy diagnosed with PDD-NOS. After much prompting from my sister, my friend and baby daddy, I’m going to try to record my travels with Zimmi. It’s a foggy road and I have more questions than answers.

I’ll begin with a recent anecdote. I took Zimmi to CA for ABM therapy (Anat Baniel Method). This therapy is worth it’s own post, but I just want to report a small moment during one of Zimmi’s
14 sessions.

Neil was giving Zimmi a lesson. In the room was a large poster of Einstein. Each day he was in that room, Zimmi would ask Neil about the poster.
On this particular day, the conversation went like this:

Zimmi: “Is that you?”
Neil: “No.”
Zimmi: “Is that your daddy?”
Neil: “No. Is that your daddy?”
Zimmi: “No.”
Neil: “Is that your grandpa?”
Zimmi: “No. Is that your grandpa?”
Neil: “No. Is that your mommy?”
Zimmi: “No.”
Zimmi: “Is that me?”

Well, that is the question isn’t it? On so many levels that is the big question. My heart gets caught in my throat as I write this. I have so much fear and so much hope for my son. He’s adorable, funny, smart, has “it” (the thing that makes almost everyone who meets him, like him), is happy, curious, did I say smart? Basically he’s an amazing child and at the same time, he’s so difficult to parent, his future is so uncertain.

Will he be a brilliant contributor to society or will he never be able to even live on his own? Am I providing what he needs to escape the murk and mire of ASD? I feel like I must become an expert at living with the unknown. We all do, but it’s in my face, my consciousness every day. I don’t have the luxury of basking in the illusion of ground. Instead I surf the swells and waves of an ever shifting, changing ocean of special needs parenting. Will he eat today? Will he sleep tonight? Will I? And most importantly, am I giving him what he needs? Can I be doing better? (Actually, I know the answer to that one – YES). So I welcome you to join me in my quest to do better, to figure out what my child needs in a world that does not have the answer…yet.